we've all got choices. we've all got voices.
"He wasn't" by Avril Lavigne. cool song! =)
swam today, then went to settlers holland to work. no customers, despite the fact that it was a friday night. *sigh* played "citadels" with EXPANSION CHARACTERS. finally =p
chatted with Brian over MSN messenger at night. chatted with Darren a little. he didn't reply back much. and i was at a loss of what to say to him, in fear of agravating him. as Man Fai said, i shouldn't give up on him. good point.
Had a chat with Man Fai on the phone. he's right. My blog is only filled with HOW i feel, which is completely un-objective, oblivious to the facts.
reading "Project Lunatic Diary" really opened my eyes. all the depression and all. i'm also shocked by some other things. i've learnt self-restraint. so there. i'm not saying it. sometimes it's not repression that's getting to u. sometimes u JUST SHOULDN'T SAY IT. i made that mistake with Darren already. not doing it again.
SamWise2000 [3/11/2005 08:13:00 AM]
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encounter at the counter
In God's goodness, he gave me work at north canal settlers, from 1pm to 11pm, which meant some allowance. he gave me a surprise as well. Darren. I'm still not clear of God's purpose for allowing such a thing to happen.
in the afternoon, got to teach some students "citadels", "Manga Manga", "risk 2210AD", which all of them really liked, which was kinda cool. Darren's group came, and at first, i was ok teaching them "citadels". and they really liked it. played it twice. but i got really stressed when Darren's friends started smoking. i was really afraid he would too. but he didn't. yet i got really worked up and stressed, almost reaching breaking point. at this rate, once i enter NS and see "more things", i'll probably end up smoking and stuff. that's why,
one of the fruits of the Spirit is Self-Control.looking back, turns out that Darren's group is kinda cool. they had to be natural pro-gamers to have wanted to stay from 6pm to 11pm. Darren (staff Darren) got them to try Konig (sweet german beer), which was kinda cool. he clicks with them.
so, yeah, was glad to see Darren. Thank God. i didn't talk to him much though. but i did that to show that I'm no longer weak, that i don't have to "rely" on him. still... well, he does give second chances. and God doesn't not give up.
SamWise2000 [3/10/2005 09:12:00 AM]
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I'l be lying if i said that "he" doesn't haunt my every thought
good question, Hannah. i shall stop mentioning myself. it's not about me, it's about God.
I'm blogging in the morning... why? I reached home only at 7am.
WEDNESDAY: the day i went out shopping at Phoon Huat, cuz i'm gonna pick up cooking again =p also went to settlers cafe. from like, 5pm to 6am? played "Risk 2210A.D." and "betrayal on house of the hill"..
haha, don't feel like giving details... since i only had 3 hours of sleep.
my rash is gone. Avril Lavigne rocks! she rocks so much that, i actually bothered to figure out how to spell "Lavigne" correctly =)
passing by Raffles Place, i can't help but remember the first time i saw Darren in his car. the only reason why this normally pleasant memory can be so hurtful is cuz... of the fact that our friendship was torn apart. praying for someone you may not get to see in the future is hard.
SamWise2000 [3/09/2005 04:29:00 PM]
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i forgive. but which should i believe? he cheated me? or i cheated him?
my relentlessly recurring rash won't go away. it started after my last meeting with Darren. I don't think the rash will end until... we've been reconciled?
i won't know how i'm gonna deal with myself if it's not in God's plan for Darren and I to be reconciled again. but i shall hold on to the lesson that God is ALWAYS in control, though things do not make sense to us, so we should rest in Him.
had lunch with Man Fai. I overdressed =p. cuz of that, we couldn't go to the MacRitchie Treetoptalk walk.
the prelude to all the mess. at least we got to go to a super cool place for a cheap $15 lunch, which would've normally cost $60. after that, went to this shop, which unfortunately closed 10 minutes after we arrived. then, unexpectly, we went to RI. saw Mrs Kua a wee bit.
then we walked over an hour trying to find Lorong 1 for some exotic food place. after the long walk, we were tired, and decided that we weren't in the mood to eat =p what a waste. anyway, we went home and... there, the end.
oh, yah, half of my life occurs online, while i surf at night. anyway, i did talk to Darren. i also chatted with this guy called Brian, and i uncovered a love triangle =p something like that. kinda "chiao".
"do you give second chances?"
"you know me better"
a sickening end to the night.
SamWise2000 [3/08/2005 07:24:00 AM]
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The Man You Want Me To Be
I'm slowly being sucked in, and not taking the effort to escape.
Here're some song lyrics, from Phil Joel's "The Man You Want Me To Be"
I played the fool so long
thought I was so strong
all the while You knew it wasn't true
rerunning in my mind
memories of another time
when all I ever lived for
was You
Jesus make me the man that You want me to be
Jesus make me the man that You want me to be
I've been listening all my life
words are spoken all the time
I have heard the liars and the true
voices twisting in the air
sweetly sounding so unclear
but nothing can replace a word
from You
Jesus make me the man that You want me to be
Jesus make me the man that You want me to be
a child is but for so long
turn around those days are gone
nothing can replace the years of youth
I have swallowed lies
that tasted true
the plans I thought were sent from You
when all You wanted was for me
to be still
Jesus make me the man that You want me to be
Jesus make me the man You want to see
the burning in the heart
of man's deepest desire
is rising like a flame
Jesus make us the men you want us to be
Jesus make me the man You want me to be
the burning in the heart
of our deepest desire
is rising like a flame
burning higher and higher
burning in the heart
of our deepest desire
is to know You the song describes how i feel perfectly =)
Darren the "card collector". how can i love (brotherly) a guy like him? i must not be persistant, but i must be devoted and never give up praying for him.
my rash disappeared in the night, and it came back after my afternoon nap. today was as eventful as a dinner with Lionel. that's all i had. a dinner with Lionel. holland v, where we had Nasi Lemak, then drinks from Essential Brew. gotta love that place. the drinks are great. tea-infused good and drinks? awesome idea.
Lionel says i should stop my mission. i stopped anyway. it's really too emotionally traumatic a mission. I shall ask God.
finalyl talked to Yan. I feel strangely happy that we had that chat on MSN messenger. i feel liberated. I'm glad Yan, like, forgives me. perhaps there's more going through his mind and heart than we all think. Thank you, God.
SamWise2000 [3/07/2005 07:11:00 AM]
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Is it over? God's love is never over...
Sunday, the day the relationships between Darren, Man Fai and I went "Kablaam!"
went to church, slept during sermon again. then had work at settlers. very few ppl came today. at least i got to play "I'm the Boss" =p
then i met Man Fai and Darren at Junction 8, who both had a very good time at the MacRitchie Treetopwalk. basically, what happened after that is that i SPOILT everything. i got too judgemental about Darren, and he cut me off. I was totally stunned, but Man Fai was there through it all (God too. God, please give me another chance with Darren). ultimately, Man Fai pointed out many of my flaws, which i MUST DIE DIE learn from, so that i can meet Darren again. all else... he's soul will be lost?
1. I treat friends unequally. DON'T! clement/Yan are as equally impt as Darren.
2. I'm judgemental. DON'T! Darren knows how to have fun, has feelings, and understands me better than i understand myself
3. don't act like a girl. don't be a burden to someone.
4. listen to advice. NEVER repeat the same mistakes again.
anymore? can't remember =p i'm bad at remembering advice. but i'll call Darren anyway. as pointless as it seems... i trust God, I trust Man Fai's advice. i just don't trust myself to carry Darren through. but i must try.
SamWise2000 [3/06/2005 07:42:00 AM]
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